Blogger Widgets

Thursday, July 25, 2013

It's a Hawaiian Delicacy!

Photo graciously lifted off the net from here.

During the time I was a missing person in the blogosphere, I'm proud to say I have developed quite a following.  Of spammers.  Particularly ones that own websites about payday loans.  Not sure why they see my blog as the perfect space to peddle their wares, but the joke's on them!  I don't get a paycheck!  Duh.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some of the gems I have found while cleaning up the spam.

First, I found out my blog is listed in Yahoo News, from a lovely Anon who left me this: "Wonderful blog! I found it while searching on Yahoo News. Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in Yahoo News? I've been trying for a while but I never seem to get there! Appreciate it Here is my weblog; xxxxx"
That's cool.  The specific article in reference: Drunk Mommy.  Not sure that's the kind of news I want to be known for, but hey, I'll take any kind of publicity I can get. **And oh, by the way, I am not listed in Yahoo News.  Fucking liar.

I got a lot of compliments on the design of my blog too.  "Fascinating blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A design like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog shine. Please let me know where you got your design. Cheers. Also visit my weblog xxxxx".  See, I don't buy into this, as spammers are the online equivalent of a guy at a bar... they try to woo you with compliments and drinks until your panties drop off and you click their virus-laden link.  But I did get a couple of these remarks, so thanks!  And yes, I designed this dress myself ;)

These spammers have gotten smart too.  They know blog owners will delete irrelevant comments immediately, but they are still lazy and don't want to take the time to actually read anything you write.  The solution, this: "Wow that was odd. I just wrote an extremely long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn't appear. Grrrr... well I'm not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say fantastic blog!  Also, visit my blog xxxxx".  It's almost like this one went to college for a couple months. Brilliant little liars.

I also love the foreign comments.  Some of them are in languages I can't read (I'm sure they are all incredibly substantive), but some are some-what understandable.  Like I understand this person thinks I am slightly full of shit, "Thankѕ a bunch for sharing this with all peоple. You reаllу unԁerstand what you're talking about approximately! Bookmarked."

And then there are the spammers who clearly have no concept of reality, making statements about the "great information" I provide, or that they get "valuable knowledge" from my blog.  "I think the admin of this wеb sіte іѕ genuinеly working hard for hіs wеb site, sіnсe here eveгy stuff is quality based informatіon".  Hey, heads up... I blog about mostly crap.  Smelly pencils, poopy diapers, back alley physicians, and snot.  If this is informative to you, you need to go back to community college.

And I got one total bitch. "The verу next time I read a blog, Ηopefully it does not faіl me just as muсh as this ρartіculaг one. After all, I know it waѕ mу choice to read, nonethеlеss I gеnuіnely bеlieved yоu'd have something useful to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something you can fix if you weren't too busy seeking attеntion.  Review my website xxxxx (short term loan site)".  Something I could fix with a short term loan, right. Of Course!!  If spamming blogs with niceties doesn't work, you should try sprinkling in some insults.  Reverse psychology.  Brilliant. 

I love it when spammers let you know how they found your site, you know, so you can use that information in your targeting and marketing, n' stuff.  "I saw your blog while searching on  Do you know of a few information on how to get indexed in I've really been intending to for quite a while but I never seem to make it happen. Appreciate it.  View my blog xxxx".  See, you are absolutely right, you did find my blog while searching my blog.  And I have no idea how you'd get indexed on my blog, since it is a fucking blog!!!

And my all-time favorite!  A spam comment about avoiding spam comments!  Tricksey little Hobbit ;) "Hi, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam remarks? If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can advise? I get so much lately it's driving me crazy so any assistance is very much appreciated.  Also visit my web blog xxxxx".

I am going to leave all spam remarks that are received on this blog post remain in tact because I know that you, the three people who actually read this blog, will appreciate the irony. Also, because I am going to say right here, if you spam my blog you are going to get hit with the fiery fist of pain, and your dog will run away, and your wife will cheat on you with a dealer at an online casino. In other words, you're a loser.

Spam at your own risk.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I'm Back, Yo...

photo graciously stolen from here
So I'm back.  Which is actually harder than one would think.  I haven't written a thing aside from a check in 7 months.  (For those of you who currently live in the 21st century, a "check" or "cheque" is a thing that comes in a packet and is fake money. You write a dollar amount on them and give them to check-out-people at stores and they let you walk away with stuff).   And I know it was a sudden ceasation.  I was just overwhelmed.  And then depressed.  I'm still overwhelmed and depressed, but I drink a lot more now so I've got it all under control. 
A lot has happened since I last wrote.  I had monkey #3 in February, and since then I have not slept more than 48 hours in sum and have drank approximately 165 bottles of wine. The big fat ones.  For those of you mathletes, I now have a 6 year old, a 22 month old, and a 5 month old.  That equals 99 months of successfully keeping other humans alive. Yay me!  However, no matter what, someone always smells like urine.  Meh.  It's funny... when you have one newborn, you bathe him everyday, and change his outfits the moment a speckle of drool hits his shirt.  When you have three, they are lucky to get a bath once a week.  And by "they" I mean all three, together, in one big nasty germ-laden cesspool of nastiness and bubbles. And they only get a new outfit when you must leave the house (which is never, because how the hell could you manage that total public nightmare)?  My sons look a bit like orphans.  Or like Adam Sandler from the movie Big Daddy is raising them.  Dirty feet and matted hair, and at least one typically has on some kind of bizarre costume piece (like a Batman belt, or Ninja Turtle mask).  Mini Monkey leaves a trail of stickiness everywhere he goes.  Silly Monkey has worn the same jammies for two days.  Meh. It could be worse. 
At least their happy.
 Let me tell you, three boys is WAY harder than two.  I had no idea what I was getting into.  This is a real full-time job, and part of the reason I haven't written is because I have been struggling with coming to terms with that.  See, before Baby Monkey arrived I was a WAHM.  I ran a business full-time out of my house.  A successful one, at that.  I was in magazines and shit.  But it was hard.  I often had to wake up at 3am to get to work,and worked well after the kids went to bed, and many hours in between, but I made at least $3.76 per hour, so it paid off.  Now I am too lazy to get up at 3am (likely because I don't actually get any sleep until then) and someone is always in constant need of butt wiping.  I simply don't have the time in the day to be an income producing member of this family.  Which has been hard for me to deal with emotionally, and financially.  It's been hard for both Mr. Martini and I.  Everyday I feel pulled between trying to be a good mom, and trying to help support our family.  And I have come to the realization that I am failing at both.  It has been very stressful, and I have decided that instead of doing both poorly (being a stay-at-home mom and working full-time), I'm going to start doing one at least moderately better.  So I have decided to start focusing on what's important by putting my kids to work instead. 
 I can focus all my efforts on supervising their income producing activities.  And from here on out, they must all be income producing.  No more reading for entertainment.  Nope.  You're gonna read into a tape recorder so I can sell the audiobook of Spongebob Squarepants and the Temple of Slime.  No more playing with Legos just to exercise your imagination.  You're going to build this 14,000 piece Eiffel Tower so we can sell it on Ebay.  No more dancing or singing because you're happy.  You will dance and sing on this youtube video in the effort to get people to buy our "3 Monkey's and a Martini Sing-along CD", with popular hits like, You Spin Me Round, by Flo Rida, Baby Got Back, by Sir Mixalot, and "I'm Back", by Eminem. You will not draw because you like to create things, you will now draw things that can be sold on our soon to be up-and-running Etsy site. Things like giant scribble wine glasses...
They will have to go door to door selling T-shirts like this one (available in the 3 Monkeys Boutique):
And in addition to making my kids childhood as lucrative as possible, I also intend to start doing more DIY projects, like this one...
which should be hilarious, since I rock at Pinterest posting and suck at Pinterest projects. 
I will also be sharing recipes, as well as tips and tricks for the kitchen.  Like how to save time grocery shopping by getting your meals to come to you, like this...
So be ready to jump on board this crazy train as it leaves the station yet again. 
I am not a stay-at-home-mom, I am a manager now, monkeys! And I will manage the shit out of this house!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

It Was The Best of Times, It Was The End of Times...

So it has been a year since I last wrote.  Well, at least the year has changed.  There has been so much going on in the Monkey House, I just haven't had a chance to catch-up.  But fear not, I'll eventually get back into the swing of things. I got an email from my mother yesterday that said simply,
" I MISS THE MONKEYS!!!".  I get it.  I'm a slacker.  Thanks Ma.

So first on the list this year is the Secret Subject Swap.  Then announcement and prize awarding for the Christmas Tree contest (No I didn't forget... and my tree is still up, so it's not too late, right?).  But lets get this new year of blogging started with my Secret Subject Swap prompt sent by Mommy Unmuted, a funny gal you should definitely check out.  She's unmuted Yo'!  And while you're at it, grab a cup of coffee (or wine, or vodka depending on how your kids are behaving) and check out Baking in a Tornado, the humorista who runs this shin-dig.  And upon blog stalking her, you'll find links to all the other laughable ladies who participate.  They will brighten your day with a well deserved shot of snark and laughter. 

So my prompt is: If the world had ended on 12/21/12, what one thing would you wish you had done differently?  

In all honesty, I was a little concerned about the world ending.  I mean, I've already lived through like 5 "end-of-days" already, so this one had a pretty high probability of actually happening, right?  And the Mayans were pretty smart, even if the people who "translated" the meaning of their calendar weren't (it didn't end stupid, it recycles n' stuff).  I even woke up early with the intent of being awake at 6am (or whenever it was).  You know, I wanted to see the sky explode or whatever.  But I feel asleep, and shockingly woke up after doomsday.  Huh?  Well, so much for my plans to live in a bunker.  And not showering that day.  Oh who are we kidding?  I didn't shower anyway.

But if the world had ended, I guess I would be kind of pissed that I wasted my time waiting for it to happen.  I mean, I really should have spent those last days drinking champagne and betting on black in Vegas rather than making homemade Kindergarten-teacher presents and cleaning toilets in preparation for my own little end of the world (i.e. family visiting for two whole weeks).   So mainly, I wish I wouldn't have spent the end of days cleaning toilets.

The moment of truth would have also left me wondering why I had spent so much time working, saving, struggling (I mean, I sacrificed having pants all year in an effort to better my family), and generally spending time not drinking champagne and eating bon bons.  I mean, we paid off a shit load of debt, but who cares?  We all are going to die in a fiery pit of doom and despair.  It is times like those that you realize a nice pair of pants would probably be worth the expense.  And a sparkly sweater.  Like one a Real Housewife from Miami wears to the gym.  Damn.  Oh well... I can buy one now.  But won't because then I'd have to go to the gym.  Baawwaahaaahaa!!  That's hilarious!!!  And even less likely to happen than doomsday.

I would also have regretted not taking the time to become more fluent in Spanish.  I mean, if we're talking apocalypse, anything can happen right?  So maybe some Mayans would come back to life and rule over the rest of us like dictators.  I'd like the chance to get in good with the dark overlords, just in case.  But no... I spent my time in Spanish class learning how to say "Where is the bathroom?" and "The cheese is good".  I did once haggle my way through a transaction with a street vendor in Cabo San Lucas, but I think they just got bored with humoring my lousy Spanish and my arrogant white-girl-tourist attempt to haggle in their native tongue.  So, yeah.  I didn't do much to ensure my survival if in fact Mayans came back to put the smack down on all of us.  In retrospect, I totally would have rectified that.

Lastly, I think I would have spent more time trying to fully understand the ins and outs of Quantum Theory.  Why, you ask?  Well, so I could build a time machine, duh.  What other sure-fire way could I ensure my survival?  Oh yeah.  I guess just waking up did the trick.  Well, shit.  Where's the champagne anyway?  Mommy's got some catching up to do. 

Monday, December 17, 2012

Take a Moment and Give a Beautiful Child a Helping Hand

So today I read a post from a blogger friend that touched my heart, and I thought I would share her campaign with all of you.  If we all open our hearts and share Becky's story, and contribute a dollar or two, we can help give Nathan a Christmas Gift that will truly make a difference in his life.  Read on for the details:

Originally Published at The Insomniac's Dream: Christmas for Nathan:

Christmas for Nathan

Today, I am going to take a break from the funny.  I would like to introduce you to my friend, Becky, and share her story with you.

Becky and her son, Nathan Jr. 

Her son, Nathan Jr. is four years old.  He has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and Global Developmental Delay.

How handsome is this little guy?

He is behind in speech and fine motor skills.

Cognitively, he is at 18 months old.  Becky and her husband have tried teaching Nathan sign language, but it is difficult for him and he can only sign a few of his basic needs.

Nathan has a problem with expression through words that causes him a lot of frustration, melt downs, and aggressive behavior.

A very brave Nathan during one of his many hospital stays

He can not hold a crayon, marker, or even a pencil.  He uses an Ipad at school to express what he is trying to say when he is unable to speak.  He uses the Ipad to learn and draw letters with his finger.  He is learning about shapes and how to write.  There are a variety of therapeutic apps available to sooth and help him to settle down when he is upset.

When Nathan is at home he is constantly frustrated and struggles all the time to express himself.

Having an Ipad at home would enable him to tell his parents his needs and wants.

Unfortunately, Ipads are very expensive and beyond what this family is able to afford.  Becky went to Craigslist in desperation, looking for help.  She was met with hate and threatening emails about her son and his disability.  In tears, she explained to us on Twitter what was going on.

Her Craigslist Ad

She shared some of these hateful emails with me as well as her story.  I cried for her.  I cried for Nathan.  My heart aches for a child who struggles every day to express even his most basic needs.  My heart breaks for a child who lives life always frustrated because he can't express himself, and no one understands him.

On top of all of this, Becky has only recently won a hard fought battle against cancer.

Who needs a wig when you have a bow and a beautiful smile?

Can we take a minute out of our days, a dollar or two out of our wallets this Christmas Season and see to it that Nathan gets an Ipad?

Please use the PayPal below to help this family and make this a very special Christmas for a very special little boy.

It is very simple, go to PayPal and where it asks for her email, you type in this The rest of the fields are self explanatory.

*** I've also made it easy to donate!  Click the Donate button below and enter in the amount you'd like to give.  I'll forward all donations to Becky on a daily basis.

Nathan already says Thank You.

Thank you so much

Friday, December 14, 2012

WTF Friday: Episode 8 ~ If I Won a Million Dollars

So I've been invited to participate in a really cool club called The Secret Subject Swap, hosted by Baking in a Tornado.  By invited, I mean I totally invited myself and wasn't booted at the door even though my name wasn't on the list. 

Secret Subject Swap is much like a Secret Santa party, except with blog topics.  Your topic is chosen by the Secret Subject Swap gods (i.e. Karen, at Baking in a Tornado) from a pool of topics submitted by all participating bloggers. She tells you what your topic is, but no one else knows.  And on a chosen day, you all reveal your posts about your given topic.  My topic was submitted by Dinosaur Superhero Mommy, and is "Whoa, you won one million in the lottery... what do you do?"


The prudent part of me would invest some in mutual funds; ELSS's and ULIP's and what not.  I'd invest some in a business start-up (I hear One Classy Motha is coming up with some patent-pending Beaver Babies... a learning tool that has a hilarity factor of about a billion). I'd give a little to stem cell research and I'd invest in the grey sweat sock industry (long story). And lastly, I'd invest in Ann Taylor.  Why?  Because they make pants.

I'd also give my folks a chunk.  I figure they earned it after 30-odd years of my crap.  And I'd send a hunk to Mr. Martini's folks too.  We're not talking like I'm all giving and philanthropic.  We're talking enough to buy a new TV, or to go on a short vacation, or something. Okay fine.  A new car.  And a fancy watch.  But the bulk would be invested.

The real me (read: not prudent, take-the-money-and-run-around-like-an-idiot-screaming-"I'm-Rich-Bitch" me) would go to Vegas and bet on black.  I'd buy a Jaguar, just so I could say I drive a Jag-u-ar, pronounced like they do in the commercials, which is not at all like anyone, anywhere pronounces it. I would buy a boat even though I live approx. 300 miles from the nearest body of water.  I would go to Tiffany's and try on EVERYTHING and buy NOTHING!

How much do I have left?

I would buy a pony.  I would buy an inflatable bounce house and I would have that sucker inflated ALL THE TIME!  I would buy a fur coat.  No I wouldn't.  But I'd buy a damn good fake.  I'd buy stock in Barefoot Wines.  Hell, I'd start a Pinot Grigio winery and call it I'm Rich Bitch Wines.  I would also buy at least 23 kegs of Berghoff and 190 lbs of shell-on peanuts so I could re-live my college days.

I would buy designer pants in all shapes and sizes and throw them out my car window at moms with shopping carts full of children and messy hair at the Walmart... cause I know how they feel.  I would buy 4 lbs of king crab legs and eat them all myself.  I would also by a 24 pack of toilet paper, because that kind of intestinal assault would definitely land me on the hopper for a full 2 hours.

Lastly, I would buy the rights to this song:

 Be sure to check out the other Secret Subject Swap topics and responses by clicking here.  I would tell you to vote for me, but it's not that kind of club.   

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Got Married By A Wild Boar Hunter on a Remote Island in the North Pacific

So this week's Theme Thursday post from Something Clever 2.0 is about weddings.  I could talk your ear off about weddings, since my day job is to create fabulous custom wedding invitations for bridezillas around the world.  But today I have to talk about my own wedding.  Which was perfect.  And included no invitations at all.  Which made it even more perfect.

See, my husband and I had a whirlwind courtship.  We "hooked up" in March and were married by Thanksgiving.  We travelled throughout the US during that time, bought a house, renovated it, got pregnant, and then decided, well, we should seal the deal, I guess.  We thought about having a real wedding. A small intimate affair that would take place in Chicago (neutral territory for both of our families), but for several reasons (mostly because I was afraid my dad would have a stroke if we told him, since he was still paying off my first wedding) we decided to elope.  I walked into my office one November morning and there was a ticket to Hawaii sitting on my keyboard.  How could you NOT marry that guy?

I was whisked away to the Halekulani Hotel in Honolulu. Um, yeah.  There was a button by the door you could ring for a personal concierge.  The bathroom was bigger than my whole apartment. The view of Waikiki beach was Amazeballs.  But there was construction going on at a nearby hotel that just sort of cramped our "pretending to be rich super-snob" style.  So Mr. Martini asked for a refund and we hopped on the first plane to the Kauai.  That was back when we did that sort of crazy shit all the time.  Just hop on a plane and go to XYZ.  Or just decide not to get on a plane and do something else.  I don't want to sound like a rich super-snob, but it was fun pretending to be a rockstar for a minute.  Of course we're still paying for those 6 months of fun that started 7 years ago, but whatevs. 

There was a golf tourney going on at our hotel and our beach cabana was right next to Tiger Woods' (you know, before we knew Tiger was a raging douchebag).  So we thought we were the Shiznit!  And we were gonna get married!  Whoot Whoot!  I was a princess!   So now we had to find someone to marry us.  Which we didn't realize would be such a difficult thing to do.  I called like a dozen marriage guys (you know, pastors, reverends, etc. that do beach weddings as a side gig) and everyone was booked.  OMG!  We flew all the way to frickin Hawaii and all I got was this stupid bag of Macadamia nuts?  WTF?  I wanna get married!!!  We finally found a pastor/wild boar hunter who said he could do it.  At 4pm.  That day.

I didn't even have a dress.  Not anything I thought would be marginally appropriate, at least.  Turns out, nothing at the only shopping place we could find would be very appropriate either.  Since I was pressed for time (we're talking like 2 hours till "go" time here), I grabbed the only thing that fit reasonably well and ran off (funny how that has become a theme in my normal everyday life too...).
I would be getting hitched in a black knee length party dress with big red hibiscus flowers printed all over it.  Meh.  It beat out sequined hoochie dress.  It would have to do.

We made it to the beach on time, as they say, and met our pastor.  A real nice guy who asked us over for Thanksgiving dinner.  They would be serving wild boar caught using table scraps from his son's restaurant.  I liked the guy immediately.  Mr. Martini however, was a ball of nervous energy.  He was so nervous you could literally see fear in his eyes.  And then he was asked to do the impossible. Wait until we saw a sea turtle.  Say what, Mr.?  We have to stand here looking into the ocean until we see a frickin sea turtle before you'll marry us?  Heh?  So finally, after what seemed like at least five minutes, Mr. Martini lied so we could get on with it.  That's how you should always start out your married life... with a big ol' fat lie to a man of the cloth.

There was some kind words, a declaration of love, some vows (which I have a printed copy of somewhere) and the exchange of rings.  And of course the kiss.  There are three wedding photos of us, and one is the fake kiss we did after the "ceremony".  Turns out our boar-hunting pastor was also an amateur photographer, and he wanted to get the perfect shot.  In any event, we got hitched.  We were married.  It was official.  Let the throwing of the rice, popping of the champagne, eating of the cake, and dancing off the asses commence!!  And then...

That night, we did what all married couples do. ;)

 I fell asleep while he watched the UCLA-USC football game on TV. 

It was the most perfect day ever, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. 

Friday, December 7, 2012

WTF Friday: Episode 7 --- A Christmas Photo Contest!

Oh Snap!  There's a Contest at The Monkey House!! 

Because it's the holiday season, and all the blogosphere is hyped up about Christmas, I thought it would be fun to do a little photo contest.  That's right, I am hoping enough of you will go out of your way to make me feel good by taking a moment to add a photo of your favorite Christmas tree ever.  There are two categories: Prettiest Tree and Runner-up (which may be the ugliest tree, or may be the second prettiest tree, or may just be the tree with the most ornaments).  Bottom
line: two prizes will be given.   I ask that the trees actually be ones you took part in decorating or at least drove by and saw with your own eyes (i.e. don't just find something hideous on the interwebs).

The two winning photo submitters will receive a prize valued at roughly $100,000,000,000 (a set of 4 handpainted Martini Glasses and free advertising on my blog for a month - a 150 x 150 size... and I'll help you design your ad if you need a little graphic help).  The handpainted martini glasses will be worth a ton of money when I go loco like Van Gogh.  Or Picasso.  Or Cezanne.  Whatevs... they will be priceless 'cause I made 'em.

So add your photo to a blogpost, webpage, your flickr account, or whatever and submit the URL to the linky below.  Let's be honest, most of us do not have Martha Stewart trees since we have kids.  Handmade popcorn garland, the playdoh ornaments, or in my case, heirloom sticks from the Depression handed down from my grandma (no lie) would not likely grace the cover of Better Homes and Gardens.  But I think even my stick-covered tree is pretty.  So, anyone can win!  

Here are a couple examples:
Ugly Tree - This could win a prize!! 

Beautiful Tree
Um, yeah.  If this is your house, you get both prizes.

The contest is open until December 20th at 9am, at which point judging will begin.  The winners will be notified by email and will be featured in December 21st's WTF Friday post.

If you have any questions, you are taking this way too seriously.  But feel free to email them to me anyway.  I love emails.  Especially when they aren't trying to sell me Cialis or anabolic steroids. Neither of which I have any use for.  Bourbon and Zanax... that's another story.

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